I can't fight this feeling anymore

Ashley's post inspired what I'm about to write. I could have just written a comment, but I feel like I wanted to say more. In case you haven't read it, I'm going to sum up the topic as so: Happiness. There are moments in my life where I feel truly content with everything. I can remember them, which is strange b/c it never involved a big event as a landmark in my memory. One example that comes to mind- Thanksgiving break a few years agoa at my friend Katie's house. I had gone back to Longview even though my parents had moved to Austin and it was so great to see Katie, Emily, Derrick, Eric, and a few random others all together again. This hadn't been the case in a while. Instead of going out, we were all just sitting around making each other laugh until we cried. Nothing else mattered at that moment, our only purpose was to one up the previous person's statement with something even funnier until that one person said something completely ridiculous that ended the cycle. And if I remember correctly, some guy named John told a really long story that strived unsuccessfully to be funny, except that it made us laugh at how not funny it was. I remember this, but I wonder if at the time, I knew that I was happy, that I actually thought in my head, "I'm really happy right now". But now happiness scares the sh*t out of me. In my twisted mind, I think that it's an indicator that something bad is going to happen. Like whoever or whatever controls the universe is just setting me up. This makes me think of whenever I'm in car with a bunch of people and we're all laughing, maybe singing, but genuinely having a good time, it reminds me of the moment right before a car crash. Maybe it's afterschool specials that have conditioned me to think this way. As I see it right now, if I let myself completely inhabit any happy thoughts, I'm only setting myself up for disappointment. I'm sure this explains a lot. Why I can seem manic at times, b/c I'm constantly fighting feelings of satisfaction with feelings of meloncholy. I think that maybe I should just let myself completely feel whatever emotion comes naturally, to accept being in a good place, and not worry what might or might not happen. At least then I can take in a little of the pleasure of these positive feelings. What it comes down to is this: I need to chill the f*ck out.
Reagan